I’ve put up my first story here, with the promise of more to come. Please take a look, and let me know what you think. Thanks.
June 28, 2007
June 28, 2007
I’ve put up my first story here, with the promise of more to come. Please take a look, and let me know what you think. Thanks.
June 29, 2007 at 9:53 am
Story: I like the story as a whole. If I had to suggest story changes, I’d suggest expanding the section detailing the love he finds, as that’s the crux of the whole thing. Not sure how you should expand it, just feels like it needs a little more there. More illustrative of his transformation from cynical over the state of the world to his joy at finding something worthwhile at the end of it.
Writing:
Two sentences stood out as being a bit awkward: The one that starts with “There was a couple on the ground floor who may or may not…” and “The lights playing about the ships edge were refracted…”.
And I believe in “The atheists were sure that if there was a God, the aliens never would have showed up”, it should be shown, not showed.
And finally, that last sentence feels overwrought. Needs some sort of tempering.