//
you're reading...
Fiction, Life, SciFi

And … We’re off.

I’ve put up my first story here, with the promise of more to come. Please take a look, and let me know what you think. Thanks.

Advertisements

About paranoyd

I am a father, an aspiring writer, and avid gamer. I am also into horror and scifi. I'm currently the Adventure league Local Coordinator for my area, and I'm really into the new FFG Star Wars RPG system. And I love a good curry.

Discussion

One thought on “And … We’re off.

  1. Story: I like the story as a whole. If I had to suggest story changes, I’d suggest expanding the section detailing the love he finds, as that’s the crux of the whole thing. Not sure how you should expand it, just feels like it needs a little more there. More illustrative of his transformation from cynical over the state of the world to his joy at finding something worthwhile at the end of it.

    Writing:

    Two sentences stood out as being a bit awkward: The one that starts with “There was a couple on the ground floor who may or may not…” and “The lights playing about the ships edge were refracted…”.

    And I believe in “The atheists were sure that if there was a God, the aliens never would have showed up”, it should be shown, not showed.

    And finally, that last sentence feels overwrought. Needs some sort of tempering.

    Posted by devin | June 29, 2007, 9:53 am

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

June 2007
M T W T F S S
    Jul »
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
252627282930  

Older posts

Twitter Updates

  • 1,341 Intelligent Readers
%d bloggers like this: